Pastries, Puppies, Headstands, Flowers, Ramblings.
I have so many opinions about so many things. So many thoughts and feelings that contradict each other. I want so badly to find the words to explain them to you, to him, to her, but where do I even begin? Some of them are mundane, some are complex, some aren’t even cohesive thoughts that I can put into words. Being an adult is proving to be an ever growing challenge, but right now I’m ok with it. My perspective on things have changed. My ability to remove myself and my emotions from a situation to make the best decision has grown exponentially. For the first time in my life I have almost complete control over my basic emotions. Breathe in the calm, breathe out the anger. Breathe in the relaxed, breathe out the stress. Put one foot in front of the other. Run the pain, the confusion, the hurt away. Stand on my head, rebalance my soul. Find my center, find out you didn’t really wedge yourself as deep as I thought you did. I find myself telling him things I would’ve never told you. I find myself doing headstands naked in front of him and feeling empowered by it. His response is always worth it. I would’ve cowered in shyness and shame in front of you. But he is not the one to give my love to and I know this. I know because when he puts his hand on my back in public, I feel sparks, but not the good kind. I feel instant awareness and my muscles tense. Shift 4 inches away from his touch. It doesn’t feel as comfortable, as natural as it should. He is a good man, he is good to me but he is not for me. Part of me wants to give in and give him all of me, all of my love, all of everything. But I do. not. want that again. I do not want to lose myself in a man when I am only just finding out who I really am. I do not want to be a part of a team, a couple. I want to be Caitlin, I want to be me, I want to care about me, myself and I. I want to go out and meet people and talk with them and experience things and I don’t want to ok it with anybody. I don’t want to care about other peoples feelings besides my own. I come first now. What I see now, what I live now, this is not enough. I want more for myself, more for future me, more for my life, so that when I finally find someone who I want to give everything too, they’ll get someone. Not a girl who loves to bake and wants to take care of you. But a woman who can make decisions, survive on her own, doesn’t think twice about removing the bad toxins from her life. I am close. I am so close to being who I dreamed I would be. The closer I get, the more I see who will make the cut. Who will stay with me and who will not. I don’t want the negativity, the lies, the never ending judgement. Good vibes only, please.